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When you are married to an addict and/or abuser a lot of the typical marriage advice just doesn’t apply, in fact it can be downright dangerous. Tips on how to love your husband more and serve him more can just feed the abuse. For example following the telling you to never go to bed on angry feelings just might be forcing you into a difficult conversation with an addict who is in a bad frame of mind which can then escalate to full-blown abuse. Remember you are not a codependent; you are a spouse in betrayal trauma. You and your spouse each need to heal yourselves before you can heal the marriage.
Most marriage and relationship advice is based on the assumption that there are two willing partners both ready to give their all to the relationship. When dealing with addiction and abuse this is frequently not true as the addict/abuser has no interest in changing their ways to make the relationship more healthy. Their goal is to change their spouse to fit their expectations and fantasies. Even when your dealing with an addict in active recovery there are a lot of unhealthy thought patterns that are ingrained into the way they handle relationships. Healthy boundaries are still essential and will be different from the ones a couple in a healthy relationship maintains.
The following is a list of resources that myself and others I trust recommend for those dealing with an addict and/or abuser.
Healing From Betrayal Trauma
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal
Helping Her Heal (directed towards the sex addict, but very good info for wives and extremely validating)
Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed
The Body Keeps the Score Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die
Cutting Ties: Healing from Betrayal Trauma as the Spouse of an Addict
Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing
Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery
Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Boundaries in Marriage (be cautious, this is NOT a good book for the addict/abuser NOT in recovery to read. They can use some of the principles to abuse you)
Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships
Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: The Essential Tools for Healing
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Blog, Podcast, and Coaches
Healing From and Dealing With Abuse
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse
30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse
Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare
How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Boundaries in Marriage (be cautious, this is NOT a good book for the addict/abuser NOT in recovery to read. They can use some of the principles to abuse you)
Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships
Rebuilding a Marriage
**These resources are for when you are dealing with an addict/abuser who is in active recovery. Please study and apply these principles with caution and only after reading the book Boundaries and having a solid grasp on their effective use**
An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Created for Connection: The “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples
Seven Desires: Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us
International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy
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