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In the book “
Why Does He Do That?” Lundy Bancroft outlines ten types of abusers. You can see the brief description of each type in my previous post on identifying types of abusive men.
Today we are going to dive more into the mindset of the Victim
The Attitudes That Drive the Victim Abuser
The Victim is highly self-centered in his relationships. Everything centers around the wounds he has experienced, and boy does he have a LOT of them.
To listen to the victim talk you would think the whole world is out to get him. He is constantly telling stories of how his intelligence has been underestimated, people he trusted have burned him, and his good intentions have been misunderstood.
The Victim may have genuinely been traumatized or abused, but he uses this as an excuse to stay stuck rather than a reason to grow and better himself. He doesn’t want to heal and become healthy as that would remove a lot fo the attention he thinks he deserves.
The Victim is an expert at manipulating people to join with him in his negative feelings towards others. His stories pull at your heartstrings and soon you’re ready to go to battle to avenge all the wrongs he has suffered.
When the Victim is talking about his ex-partners his stories are laced with disrespect and contempt. He doesn’t see her as a person with thoughts and feelings, but as a problem and persecutor who has wronged him. He usually won’t admit to any bad conduct on his own part, and if he does he makes sure you know it was all her fault.
One of the most ironic thing about the Victim abuser is that he often discounts the claims of real victims. Someone who is genuinely a victim tends to feel sympathy, but the victim abuser claims that women are fabricating their claims and that men are abused just as much, if not more than, women are (hint, they’re not).
The Victim likes to claim that his partner just doesn’t understand him or that she is unforgiving and constantly holding mistakes over his head. The truth is, however, that he is actually the one who isn’t understanding or forgiving.
The Partner of The Victim
The Victim’s partner often feels unloved and invisible. She feels like her partner never really listens to and understands her.
When the Victim’s partner voices a concern or negative feeling she finds that the conversation is quickly turned to how his feelings have been hurt. She may find herself comforting him without even realizing exactly how the tables got turned.
The Victim’s partner becomes very isolated in the beginning as she falls for his stories of victimization and abuse. She may put distance between herself and her family or friends because her partner convinces her that they have wronged him. Even if she doesn’t completely buy his stories his estrange relationships with her loved ones often cause strain in her relationship with him if she doesn’t abandon them for him.
When the Victim’s partner realizes how he is twisting facts to make her the problem in every situation she may try to stand up for herself. Her partner will quickly inform her that she is the abusive one, and can sometimes cause her to actually believe it. Problem is that no matter how carefully she speaks or how many times she apologizes for her non-existent insults his desire to be victimized will never be satisfied. She can do everything right and he will still see that she did everything wrong.
Because the Victim is so skilled at gaining allies leaving him can be very scary. The partner may feel like she will lose her children because he has garnered their sympathy, or that she will lose everything in the divorce as he sways the judge to believe his twisted version of events.
The partner of the Victim may also worry that her partner will stop caring for himself if she leaves. He’s done such a good job of convincing her that he is helpless and pathetic that she worries he might wither away from depression if she isn’t there to care for him. She may feel a good amount of guilt at leaving him alone.
Do You Know A Victim?
If you are in a relationship with a person who says they always get the short end of the stick, blames their actions on others, and strongly resists any attempts to point out their own bad behavior then you may know a Victim type abuser. Everyone can go into victim mode every now and then, but the abuser seems to perpetually live there and isn’t able to make room for anyone else to be a victim as well.
Remember not every abuser fits neatly into one package. You may know someone who has a few of these traits, but not all of them. You may know someone who has all of these traits, plus a few dozen more. The important part is to recognize the attitudes of abuse at work here.
If you believe that you are in an abusive relationship please reach out and seek help using the resources at the bottom of the abusive types post here.
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