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In the book “
Why Does He Do That?” Lundy Bancroft outlines ten types of abusers. You can see the brief description of each type in my previous post on identifying types of abusive men.
Today we are going to dive more into the mindset of Mr. Sensitive.
The Attitudes That Drive the Mr. Sensitive Abuser
Mr. Sensitive is the complete opposite of the Drill Sergeant. He is usually gentle, soft-spoken, and loves the language of feelings. He knows all the psychobabble about recovery, communication, and connection.
So what’s the problem here?
Mr. Sensitive believes that NOTHING is more important than his feelings. He is self-centered and demands a high level of emotional caretaking. He is so focused on how he feels that he can’t seem to see logic or reason.
When another’s feelings are hurt Mr. Sensitive wants to just brush over things quickly. He says things like “no one can hurt you unless you let them” or “Don’t hold on to negativity, just let it go!” These philosophies do NOT apply when his feelings are hurt, however.
Mr. Sensitive is constantly getting his feelings hurt, and he expects his partner’s attention to be constantly focused on his emotional injuries. A sincere apology isn’t enough when his feelings are hurt. He acts as if you have treated him with extreme cruelty and must grovel for his forgiveness.
Mr. Sensitive is not immune form physical abuse and cruelty, however. Because he is SO in tune with his feelings he also feels like he is entitled to give free reign to anger. After yelling, calling names, or physically assaulting his partner he then blames it on her for making him so angry.
The Partner of Mr. Sensitive
Mr. Sensitive’s partner often starts out feeling like she’s made quite a catch. Society teaches men NOT to be in touch with their feelings. Finding a man who is happy to really be open about his emotions is a diamond in the rough. Why wouldn’t she love him?!
Soon she finds, however, that she seems to be constantly hurting his feelings. Usually she isn’t even sure why he is upset! No matter how hard she tries to say just the right thing he always hears it wrong. If she shows any “negative” emotion at all he quickly turns into the victim of her “irrational moods” or “overreacting”.
Mr. Sensitive’s partner quickly learns not to talk about her own feelings. She knows that he will either brush her off, leaving her feeling alone and invalidated, or he will be offended by her point of view. Somehow every conversation seems to twist around to his hurt feelings.
The chronic stuffing that is required to keep Mr. Sensitive happy is very unhealthy for his partner. She may find that her sadness, anger, resentment, etc. starts coming out sideways towards people who don’t deserve it. She’s like a volcano ready to explode on anyone who won’t, or can’t, retaliate.
Do You Know A Mr. Sensitive
If you look up to a man who is very open with his feelings take the time to observe his partner and friends. Does he give equal time to their feelings? Does he show concern for others, or does he brush them off? Does he utilize sound logical reasoning, or does he base his actions off emotion, even when they don’t make sense?
Remember not every abuser fits neatly into one package. You may know someone who has a few of these traits, but not all of them. You may know someone who has all of these traits, plus a few dozen more. The important part is to recognize the attitudes of abuse at work here.
If you believe that you are in an abusive relationship please reach out and seek help using the resources at the bottom of the abusive types post here.
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