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In the book “
Why Does He Do That?” Lundy Bancroft outlines ten types of abusers. You can see the brief description of each type in my previous post on identifying types of abusive men.
Today we are going to dive more into the mindset of Mr. Right.
The Attitudes That Drive the Mr. Right Abuser
As you have probably already surmised, Mr. Right believes that he is ALWAYS right about any subject he decides to open his mouth on. He speaks with certainty on every subject he has an opinion about, and leaves no room for understanding the perspective of his partner.
Mr. Right sees himself as the wise old owl who is granting his partner with the price ledge of sharing in his wisdom. He often talks about his partner as if she is in danger of her own stupidity and needs to be rescued by his superior intellect.
Mr. Right uses his superiority to get what he wants. In a conflict rather than listening to understand he simply listens to what things she says that can be used against her to prove to her she is obviously wrong. He twists his partners statements around to make them sound ridiculous rather than taking her ideas seriously.
Mr. Right does not reserve his superiority to simply how to live his life. He believes that he is the supreme authority on how everyone else should live their lives as well. He takes great pleasure in listing out his partners faults and then telling her exactly how she should fix them.
Mr. Right feels that he has the ultimate authority to control every decision his partner makes. He doesn’t just get to control her actions, he gets to control the way the thinks and feels. He will resort to name calling, shaming, humiliation, and even violence to maintain that control.
Mr. Right’s Partner
After years of being told just how stupid her ideas are Mr. Right’s partner comes to believe it. No matter how intelligent or capable she may be all she can see are her failures and weaknesses.
Mr. Right’s partner may find that she doesn’t even recognize who she is any more. She has become a chameleon, adjusting to his whims to keep the peace. After all going to his restaurant and watching his shows is far easier than fighting with him to get her way.
When it comes to more important issues Mr. Right’s partner may try to voice her opinion on what car to buy or what job offer her husband should accept. She quickly discovers, however, that while he may pretend to listen with respect, he always does what he wants anyway. Even if it goes directly against her needs or wishes.
If Mr.Right’s partner presses an issue that is important to her she is met with such strong resistance through insults, fighting, and even violence that she quickly learns peace is far more valuable than being heard.
Mr. Right’s partner feels like she has no voice. She is an invisible and silent presence in the relationship. She is merely an extension of her partner rather than a person in her own right.
Do You Know a Mr. Right Abuser?
Did any names pop into your head while reading this? Remember most abusers don’t fit neatly into one package. You may know someone who has a few of these traits, but not all of them. You may know someone who has all of these traits, plus a few dozen more. The important part is to recognize the attitudes of abuse at work here.
Not everyone who is intelligent or even a bit arrogant is an abuser. It is the attitude of unwillingness to see another’s truth, the belief that his partner deserves to be put in her place if she dares to disagree, and the idea that he has the right to control the thoughts, feelings, and action of others that are indicative of abuse.
If you believe that you or a loved one are in an abusive relationship please reach out and seek help using the resources at the bottom of the abusive types post here.
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