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Have you ever heard of a group called Pornaholics Anonymous?
No? Neither have I. That’s because it isn’t a Pornography addiction. It’s called Sex Addiction, and it reaches far beyond pornography.
Sex Addiction is the compulsive use of ANY sexual behavior that has negative consequences in your life. As with Alcohol, drugs, shopping, and other addictions most addicts are unwilling to admit just how negatively it affects their lives.
The focus on Pornography as the drug is extremely damaging to those who need to find healing from this illness. It hurts both the addicts who don’t think they need help and the partners who are still getting hurt every time their addict acts out and justifies it saying “I didn’t look at porn!”
The Real Drug is Lust
An Alcoholics drug isn’t beer, wine, or whisky. Their drug is alcohol. An alcoholic wouldn’t claim to be sober if they are drinking one beer a night instead of ten bourbon shots. A drug addict wouldn’t say they are sober if they switch from cocaine to prescription opioids.
A sex addict is not sober if they are still indulging in sexual lust. Period. Doesn’t matter if its bikinis at the beach, flirting with the fully clothed checkout lady, or looking up sexy pictures of your favorite actress. If you are lusting then you have lost your sobriety.
Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the action of lust as “to have an intense desire or need, specifically, to have a sexual urge.”
If you feel like you need to daydream about sex, masturbate, look up hot girls, etc. then you are engaging in lust. Lust is the drug, not pornography. You are drunk.
If You are Engaging in Lust You Are Not Sober
Due to the hyper-focus on pornography as the drug of choice for sex addicts many addicts mistakenly hold on to fraudulent sobriety dates. If they haven’t looked at actual nudity or sexual acts they consider themselves sober when they are actively engaging in lust in other ways.
These false sobriety dates lead their partners to feel abandoned, confused, and even a little crazy. If he’s supposedly sober then how come he still treats me like crap? How come he still ignores me, puts me down, pays more attention to other women etc.?
The answer is because they aren’t really sober. Just like the alcoholic who switches from whisky to beer, the sex addict who switches from hard core porn to bikini photos, or from affairs to simple flirtation, is NOT SOBER. You aren’t crazy, they are.
So What is Sexual Sobriety
According to Sexaholics Anonymous sexual sobriety is:
For the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.
SA website
The tricky part is there at the end. What exactly does “progressive victory over lust” really mean. An addict in denial, or who doesn’t really want recovery, will usually say it means they act on the desire for lust less often, for shorter periods of time, or with less risky actions or materials.
The addict who truly wants recovery understands that they refrain from acting on lust AT ALL TIMES and that refraining becomes easier and easier to do. In addition the temptation and desire to indulge in less comes less and less often.
Why Stop Lusting?
Indulging in even a little lust is like jumping onto a runaway freight train. It is nearly impossible to stop. Indulging in lust, even the tiniest bit, can cause an addict to cross the line into bigger and bigger sexual acting out behaviors. Just as the alcoholic can not take one single sip of alcohol the sexaholic can not take one single sip of lust.
As with any other drug one must indulge in higher and higher amounts to get the same high. What starts out as a little lust indulgence can lead to greater and greater forms of acting out.
Every time you indulge in even the littlest form of lust you are feeding the addict cycle. You can not be in recovery without complete abstinence from all lust.
Lust is Everywhere, How Can I Possibly Avoid It?
Yes, opportunities to lust are everywhere, but you have a choice on how to handle them. You can choose to give in and indulge, or you can choose to walk away (mentally and/or physically).
The first step is recognizing there is a problem with any and all lust. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but no, you can’t even lust after your wife. ALL lust ahs to go.
The second step is recognizing that you are powerless to find recovery on your own. It is hard to ask for help, the stigma on sex addiction is an ugly one, but you need support. Turn to God for forgiveness and strength.
Third, work the steps of a program along with a sponsor. The best person to help you find your way out of this pit is someone who has climbed out themselves. Beware, however, of wolves in sheep’s clothing. If your sponsor does not claim a need for abstinence form ALL lust then they are not in recovery and can not help you achieve recovery either. You can find both in person and telephone meetings from Sexaholics Anonymous, SA Lifeline, or Addiction Recovery Program.
Need More Resources?
Check out this excellent pamphlet from SA titled “Why Stop Lusting“. I also really loved this article from SA Lifeline titled “Why Progressive Victory Over Lust is Essential to True Recovery“. For the addict I also recommend “Helping Her Heal” (though I’m not a fan of the rest of Dr. Weiss’ materials).
For the Partner of an addict head on over to my Betrayal Trauma Recovery Ultimate Resource Guide for a list of books, websites, and more to help. If that post feels a bit overwhelming then I recommend starting with “Intimate Deception” and “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse“.
How Do I Deal With the Trauma His Addiction Has Caused Me?
Well I’m glad you asked! Healing trauma is a three phase process. You can learn all about those three phases in my course “The Shero’s Journey“. Come check it out!
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